diary...Maybe?

hiya

my 2nd post for 2016...

well to be honest i think everytime i start writing here i feel sad like i think i should change the blog to become my personal diary... but still, i love to write about other staff (who gonna do review on Supernatural on diary right?)

lately i feel miserable (am i always feel that way?) 

i got jealous on a lot of people around... my friend got promoted, my friend got married, my friend got engaged, my friend went for long holiday, my friend bought a car, and most of them usually dont include me in their happy day... yada yada yada...

i mean i know i should be happy for them but somehow it make me feel sorry for myself... whyyyy? why i am the only one who wasnt grant with everyone's happiness? like sometimes i feel like too many human walk on the surface of the earth and somehow one or two human accidentally were forgotten and all the happiness in the world just finish (or in this case feel just me)

i kept telling myself to make peace with it but i'm human too... i got feelings too... so yeah at the end i tend to hate people around... because i'm jealous

idk if everyone have down moments in life because i do have it most of the time but and usually when it happened i actually have to face it all by myself because i start to see the pattern whenever i have cash or car i have a lot of friends... everybody want to befriend me but when i dont have car or money, i dont have friends and sometimes families will keep their distance from me...

so hashtag friendship goal thing? a hoax at least for me

i always want to cry for no reasons... i will somehow get stupidly emotional because how lonely i've become... and everytime i will tell myself to calm down... you already know what's coming so why so sad??

but who in the history of human being will calm themself down when someone tell them to calm down

let alone try to convince yourself to calm down when you actually cannot so... yeah i end up crying

i figured if i dont get jealous i will maybe i dont get sad and if i dont get sad i'll be in peace... MAYBE?

idk.

i think that's that
papai

2016... the first rage

hi everyone... it's 2016 already...

yup last year is not the best year for me since i have like waaayyyyy toooo many things to do but i guess if you work with many people...  "fun" is not in my favor anymore... try exhausted instead...

everytime the clock strike 1730 all i think is my cozy bed

i mean not everything is  bad... it's not that i work as a forced labor to build railway track in WWII but it's more like mental torture...

as i writing my blog here i'm actually in class

owh the company where i work sent me to KL for kursus and all i've been thinking (before and during) WTH? in the middle of the month where most of my money went into everybody else's pocket? but i guess it's part of the job and i cant blame many people on this... i am the one still refuse to find another job... i figured i'll be in better position sooner or later... the question is when and how...


TBH i think lately i realize how sorry ass i am as a person... looking back at my classmates and my friends, even my families most of them is happily married with great job and loving spouse while here i am on my own... i have to admit oi dont have lots of friend... Little that i know i might nearly non exist to some people but idk...

i hate bring things up to some people especially about my loneliness... my uneventful life... because it feels like i'm throwing boomerang... it always come back to knock me down....

i'm fat and ugly... that is the constant reminder i always get from people... and for some reasons sometimes the words keep playing in my mind like some sort of chanting and i somehow start believing that... screw you positive thinking... whenever i feel like being positive i will be push into believing i am a big loser

some people start making fun of me whenever they feel like it... i made faces showing my discomfort but i guess that only encourage them more... whenever i told them to stop the tease gets harder and the words getting sharper... whenever i walked away... they followed to continue what they started...

Honestly i have suppress my anger so hard and instead of being mean back i will hide in the corner and cry my heart out.... but still the cycle never ends... i guess old habits die hard... especially the bad one... you can be 50 and still being big asshole bully in the name of having fun... not to mention how i'm still single... everybody knows why and how...

beauty comes from the inside

yeah right jackass... whoever said that must be as ugly as eff... it's a comforting chant to them... it's not gonna happen so yeah... screw you


i think the more i write the more i feel like crying and slaming the keyboard so i'll stop now...

hope to write soon

that's that
papai