rage inside....

okay, recently saye sedar saye bukanlah manusia penyabar macam dulu...

idk why, my patience level turns to be so low that i become what i so called hot temper person...

i turned out to be angry with everyone, everything around me and i cant take any blame. U blame me on something (even yeah i did that), i will burst to anger mode. i even gone physical these days.

at first i thought it just temporary but then this rage in me last days. i answer back tho i should not to and tho after i answer back, i feel like i'm not done...

i realize how i feel but the truth is i cant control any of them. i even get upset because of some misspelling on my reports and i am not in hurry.

honestly, this rage in me even goes to my family. yeah i know how i sound like right now. but i cant help it if some some petrol poured into small flame. it became disaster. so am i right now. i gone physical to my brother.. something i dont do but somehow i fail to hold the record.

and i dont apologize. i turn to be ice queen. idc who i might hurt. but i remember a quote saying rage inside u is like a fire that actually burned the firewood but somehow i dont feel like care. i mean, i swallowed everything alot before. i need to let it all out.

i feel like Cass sometimes. How he tried to be good soldier. although he willing to do everything and never questioned, at some point, he broke into some angry angel. He appeared cold but he done everything with all his heart (is he even have a heart?) but somehow the coolness turned into flammable rage and he punished and even killed ... but at the end Cass even apologize of his wrongdoing...

i just hope i dont go too far like killing anyone tho yeah i feel like i want to...

i might come to my sense that what i'm doing is wrong but there's a thing called ego inside me that told me to look away. and i listen to them. i cant help it, it hurt inside but i just tired of being pushed and blamed.

as i said before, i am not an angel...
i do sins too...

so that's that...
papai

1 Syawal with my family

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN!!!

so hari raya antara hari paling saye suka..

sebabnya? saye sentiasa jadi manusia yang paling banyak dapat duit raya daripada adik2 saye...hehe

memangla saye dah besar panjang tapi org nak bagi? ambik ajela... HUHUU

so tahun ni collection duit raya saye paling sikit (tapi paling banyak antara semua)

so program raya arini?

memula pagi2 lepas sembahyang raya mulala sesi salam-salam sambil mintak maaf dengan ummi, ayah, nenek, sepupu sepapat n adik2 saye...

sesi pemberian duit raya... (part ni walaupun x layak dah sepatutnya)
tapi walaupun umur saye dah layak bagi duit raya tapi memandangkan saye seorang CEO syarikat tanam anggur, jadi xde la lagi...
insyaALLAH.. next year ye...huhuu

lepastu sesi ambik gambar pulak...
tapi benci la gambar raya tahun ni... saye paling pendek antara semua adik2 saye.. =_='

tapi cantik gambarnye kan??? haha

pastu makan2...

nenek masak rendang ayam, daging, sup gearbox, lemang, nasi impit, kuah kacang n rendang ayam kampung/pencen

lepas makan sambung borak2...


tapi adik2 saye n sepupu2 terus sambung beraya kat rumah org... saye? uisshhh dah besar panjang... xde la nak pegi...bukan saye kenal pun

pastu sepupu2 saye yg dah besar2 ni ajak pegi shopping baju
tapi saye teman aje la
sayang plak nak sikitkan duit raye saye (kedekut sebenarnya hehehe)

balik dah penat... tapi ayah cakap lepas asar nak pegi kubur
sebab terlalu penat saye jadi malas nak pegi

lepas tu pegi open house rumah nyah... makcik saye buat sup gearbox lagi...
fuh... kenyang dengan daging aje saye..

balik seremban, letak2 barang, baru nak rehat2...
jiran saye panggil ajak makan rumah dia pulak

walopun perut dah full tapi kitorg pegi aje
konon2 nak tunjuk muka
alih2 makan jugak

makanan rumah jiran saye agak eksotik
macam2 jenis rendang... ayam, itik, daging, rusa, pelanduk, peparu...
ade jugak lontong n kuah kacang

huhu dessert plak dragonballfruit

well that's that

esok ummi, ayah, nenek, aimin, adik izzati n anis nak balik Kelantan...

so okla
papai ^^~

indulgence

saye memang suka cheese masam n chocolate...

cheese tu bukanla yang masam gile tapi ada rasa masam sikit la... n saye sangat suka dark chocolate...

i love to indulge myself... dont like it? as if i even care =P

memang betul, susah nak dapat semua tu free2 aje tapi kalau ada boifren boleh la manja2...

mcm kawan2, sepupu2 n adik2 saye...

tapi memandangkan saya single, nak makan kena beli sendiri... huhuuuu

nape tetiba citer pasal makan ni tah?

forget the bouquet of flowers on my convo, dark chocolate better ^^~

maybe nak take my mind off from the reports... sangat menjengkelkan... =_='

owh kalau saye express this to someone, dia akan cakap

"macam mana x gemuk? tahu makan aje...!"

x pun dia akan cakap

"makan aje... padan lah susah nak cari baju"

tapi whatever.... x kacau duit awak pooonnnn

just live my life... u aint living in my shoe so back off!!

so that's that....

nyway x sabar nak balik UMS balik n pegi jalan2 kat 1 Borneo... hehe

papai ^^~

pro n cons...

well basically dah 7 minggu saye buat LI kat TM ni...so meaning to say ada lagi 3 minggu saye kena bangun pagi n berlari (cheh.. saye drive la) pegi ofis...

well honestly i dont enjoy much like i enjoy myself in class... i only enjoy when i know what i need to do... otherwise i just sit around to do reports.. the reason i feel like idk what to do?

simple

i exchange units like 3 times now and everytime i change to the new unit i will start blank... nada in my brain...
xkan saye nak memandai kan??
unless saye dibawak pergi site, then i know what to do... yes i know this aint classroom but the truth is watch and learn isnt really my thing...
maybe i am not good at career world... if studying dont involves costs, i might just stick to studying... my best field...
but i am not teacher material tho my dad used to be a teacher...
technically i am a receiver, not a giver... adei... if this continue until week 10, i think i might flunk... =_='

well speaking of flunking... honestly i dont have idea to write my report yet...i dont mean i dont write anything but to finish the whole script is a complete nightmare... idk what else to write, even if it's ever got to do with what i study... adess... mataiiiii!!! sbb makin ditulis makin saye x nampak apa2...

but to be honest it's not all that bad... i meet alot of fun people here...
which dont really care about what u wear, what u put on, what car u drive and everyone here love to eat... bak kata staff2 kat sini;

"sini tinggallah laptop merata-rata ke... duit bersepah-sepah ke... xkan hilang punya...
tapi jangan tinggal makanan... confirm habis x sampai 0.00005 saat"

haha!!

and best thing is that they really take raya and cuti thing seriously... belum puasa dah ada lagu raya... belum start puasa dah bising pasal cuti balik raya...

memang ofis ni selalu kosong sebab dorg selalu pegi site tapi klu semua ada, bising gila...
ada aje nak diusik.. ade je yang nak di argue..
kadang2 saye pon terlibat sama...
selalunya topik yang buat org perempuan nak marah la jadi topik
ie: isu laki kawin lain, isu nak balik kampung mana raya pertama...etc..etc..

HAHAHAHAHA

tapi bila dorg start argue mcm tu saye akan dok jauh2... n tolong gelakkan.. sbb klu mintak pendapat saye, saye aje belum kawin kat ofis ni, memang x relevan.. jadi saya jadi tukang gelak aje... HAHA!!

but saye suka suasana big family here... meriah!! ^^~

okla that's that
papai ^^~

random izzati's moments ^^~

saye jarang mengupdate gambar kan???
saye rasa nak update some random izzati moment la ^^~
okay.. here's some in my collection and the story behind ^^~ check it out

okay gambar kat atas ni gambar adik izzati yang konon2 ikut along dia solat Maghrib... lepas abes solat dia baca doa sorang2 (date taken: July 13th, 2012)

ni gambar adik izzati join marathon (lebih kepada kena dukung)... ahaha... she joined this with her teachers n school friends (date taken: July 24th, 2011)

setelah berjaya mengepow along dia... tanpa rasa bersalah dia ajak main sambil menyepahkan kereta... permainan tu cuma bertahan dalam 3 hari...p/s: few days later i went back to KK and few days after that ummi n ayah berangkat ke Mekkah (date taken: Sept 12th, 2011)

ni gambar time jemput saye balik dari KK... izzati memang seorang pengepow yang baik... alang2 along dia nak belanja dia pun ambik kesempatan beli macam2 sambil ajak anis sama... (date taken: June 16th, 2012)

si kecik ni nak tolong cuci kereta... padahal part tu orang dah cuci... actually dia nak main buih n air aje...tapi abes satu rumah dia tolong basahkan.. siap dengan adik sekali... hehe (June 26th, 2012)

time ni ummi n ayah nak pegi umrah.. saye n achik xde n adik memang budak baik la ^^~ (date taken: Sept 29th, 2011)

okla... that's that..
papai ^^~

raye belum lagi....

lagi 10 hari or 11 hari nak raya and moi family and i still x buat persiapan macam nak raya betul.

ummi cakap x nak buat biskut raya tahun ni. saye pon faham kenapa. semua penat....
saye keje, angah keje n umi sorang2 kat dapur...

lepas balik keje aje saye trus hanyut belayar melawat plenet marikh... hahaha... memang xde masa la actually
tapi alang2 ari jumaat dah start cuti saye ingat nak try buat kek batik n cup cake
ahaha jadi @ x je sy x taw... saye kan bukan seorang Buddy Valastro... huhuuuu
cakap pasal biskut raye... saye paling suka biskut coklat rice ummi saye... best sangat2..
saye rasa dari kecik sampai saye besar ummi buat biskut tu tiap2 tahun tanpa miss... yela... saye kan nak balik oversea... huahaha... mesti la ada bekalan...
(hopefully ummi acah aje pasal xnak buat kuih tu =_=)

kat ofis saye pon dah meriah dengan lagu raye... kad raye xde la plak
maybe dah pupus kot... saye pon xde perasaan nak hantar memandangkan maybe saye mungkin x dapat duit raye macam tahun2 lepas... hahaha

mostly org kat ofis saye dah pasang lagu raye kat PC masing2... ringtone pun dah lagu raya... huhuuu
macam2 lagu jugak la... tapi rata2 lagu raya lama... yela lagu lama kan lebih evergreen... lagu baru plak tah ape2 aje... xde feel pon...

tetiba teringat masa saye 1st year kat UMS...
tahun tu merupakan tahun (eceh ayat skema) saye pose penuh kat oversea...
saye balik pun time dorg tengah buat pengumuman esok raye.... memang syahdu la... lepas bukak pose saye nek flight... so time tu 1st time saye n family saye balik PD pagi raya lepas sembahyang raye...
tapi memang itula kali pertama saye posa full tanpa berbuka n sahur dgn family... sedey? agak la... tapi new experience... eceh... macam x pernah bukak posa ngan tanpa family

saye tobat xnak alter rambut time nak raya ni... haha..
teringat tahun lepas... buruk jadinye!! sadis!!
owh baju raya saye kaler turquoise... ummi kata guna jugak baju tu time konvo nnt... tp saye nak suruh nenek beli baju untuk konvo... ahaha!! (gile tamak)

adik izzati plak dari posa pertama sampai dah nak raye ni sibuk main bunga api... macam saye kecik2 dulu...
tapi budak tu posanye tidak... =_='
bila kenangkan balik seronok plak jadi budak kecik ni... heppi aje... ahaha

okla that's that
papai ^^~ 

lagu recent saye dengar ~~ best nih ^^~

ni memang kes siyes xde keje...
well baru2 ni saye telah men"survey" lagu2 yang best... like u know~~ yang skali dengar terus suka... so i just cruising around dekat youtube tu sampai saye jumpa lagu ni...

well this song is quite "oldies" like as the same age as Phobia by Breaking Benjamin... as the same time i heard The Diary of Jane which is in 2006. But i just heard this song like few days ago and i just love it.

well unlike Breaking Benjamin where i love all the songs with no problem even for the first time i heard them, this band just only have few songs that i like and this song is the one i love the most other than the other songs i heard from them.

so well sekarang lagu ni berdiri sebaris dgn lagu2 yg saye letak dlm favorite playlist saye alongside Breraking Benjamin, 3 Doors Down, Papa Roach, Daughtry and Maroon 5. Tapi 1 lagu ni jek... huhuhu

so ni la lagu dia

so sila2 la dengar ye ^^~

sronok plak buat dengar2 dalam keta sambil ketuk2 stereng macam Dean buat masa dengar lagu rock sambil drive... HEHEHE =P

ni la bandnye ; Skillet ^^~

SKILLET - COMATOSE

I hate feeling like this 

I'm so tired of trying to fight this 

I'm asleep and all I dream of Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen  

Your touch is what I'm missing  

And the more I hide I realize 

I'm slowly losing you
Comatose 

I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live, 

I don't wanna breathe 

'Less I feel you next to me  

You take the pain I feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep, 

I don't wanna dream 

'Cause my dreams don't comfort me  

The way you make me feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
I hate living without you  

Dead wrong to ever doubt you 

But my demons lay in waiting  

Tempting me away
Oh, how I adore you 

Oh, how I thirst for you  

Oh, how I need you
Comatose 

I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live, 

I don't wanna breathe  

'Less I feel you next to me  

You take the pain I feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep, 

I don't wanna dream 

'Cause my dreams don't comfort me 

The way you make me feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
Breathing life, 

waking up  

My eyes 

open up
Comatose 

I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live, 

I don't wanna breathe 

'Less I feel you next to me 

You take the pain I feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep, 

I don't wanna dream 

'Cause my dreams don't comfort me  

The way you make me feel (Waking up to you never felt so real)
Oh, how I adore you 

(Waking up to you never felt so real)  

Oh, how I thirst for you 

(Waking up to you never felt so real)  

Oh, how I adore you  

The way you make me feel  

(Waking up to you never felt so real)

 

 okay that's that

papai ^^~

second thought and how i wonder....

well saye sangat buring tapi actually tu bukan sebab saye menulis sekarang

actually saye teringat beberapa benda yang saye rasa agak mengganggu paleotak saye lateley

well as everybody know i am the eldest of my siblings. the first born child in my family. the train head (some says) tapi tho i am old (literally) i'm young at heart (some might read immature)

well i have my own thought and saye actually mempunyai pendirian yang agak kukuh (rasanya) tapi lateley i've been disturbed with others principal. saye bukanlah mudah terpengaruh, kalau x dah lama saye ada anak 3-4 orang sambil rilek2 tanpa perlu fikirkan pointer atau apa2.

memang orang kata saye x memikir. yes saye bukan seorang Tun Mahathir. saye bukan pemikir tapi saye boleh tafsir logik. semalam sorang manusia tanya kenapa saye x ikut cara dia. saye tinggal jauh dari family. maknanya xde halangan dari family. saye bukan sorang yang letak n bagi kebebasan dekat diri sendiri. saye sorang yang ada limit sendiri. x perlu someone told me... ikut lah itu org cakap immature yang x taw buat keputusan sendiri. kenapa org x nampak yang xmaw buat keputusan tu as a part of decicion?

jadi lepas bercakap dengan org tu, saye rasa agak (maybe sometimes) goyah pendirian saye. saye x bijak berdebat. saye mampu senyum and let whatever org tu cakap berlalu dibawa angin bayu (cewahhh) and buat x tahu. org kata ibarat mencurah air ke daun keladi. tapi bukannya saye sorg yang x ambik port sangat. kadang2 semua tu tertinggal dekat paleotak saye jadi food for thought. tapi (banyak benar tapinye...) lateley the food for thought dah jadi parasite. eating my own thought.

saye diajak keluar. fine. tapi bila org tu kata saye kena belajar jadi grown ups. try merasa hidup clubbing. try having more closure relationship (long story short... sosial la) and yada.. yada... katanya saye bukan ustazah. cara pakaian n cakap pun bukan macam wanita solehah sejati. jadi kenapa hipokrit? atas pagar? xde pendirian... dia cakap manusia ni either ikut setan atau ikut malaikat.... kalau nak jadi jahat, baik jahat betul... kalau nak jadi baik, jadi la baik betul2... kanapa nak jadi angel within the devil?

saye xde idea nak cakap apa... my brother cakap just answer something yang simple.... katanya jawab aje "nak kurangkan posibility neraca belah kiri lebih berat walaupun memang berat"... kata my brother, "walaupun sebelah kiri berat tapi xkan nak biarkan belah kanan xde isi langsung?" saye tengok jawapan beliau sangat xde masalah. katanya.. ade reason kenapa manusia is manusia... bukannya syaitan atau malaikat.... kata my bro, malaikat terang2 x buat dosa... terang2 x lepak dalam neraka. syaitan terang2 yang dia buat menyesatkan anak adam aka buat dosa.. dah tertulis memang syaitan diusir dari syurga.. manusia pulak bukan syaitan atau malaikat... manusia boleh pilih nak masuk syurga atau neraka... caranya dengan apa kita buat atas dunia...

saye seboleh-bolehnya nak jadi macam my bro... so sure with everything... no second thought... maybe ada second thought tapi dia fikir simple logic... kalaula saye mampu buat macam beliau... =_=

that's that...
papai