Tuesday, August 16, 2011

merapu meraban pt 5 (seriously i mean WTH??)

okay, before ape2 let me stress that i am not super smart people n yes i've been to one of the best school n one of the most worst school in discipline ever and i'm still in  one bigger piece so no offence that no way in hell i'm gonna admit environmental causes changes in habits n behavior...

owh i think i should quote my fav singer of all time ^^~
You know, I really don't know, because kids are obviously very easily influenced. I, myself, personally, have been playing violent video games since I was a kid, and I never wanted to blow anybody, you know, no pun intended, but I never wanted to blow anybody away. I don't think it made a difference for me whatsoever. The only thing that would make me be violent, is if somebody were violent towards me.
-Ben Burnley- 
so.. here i really like to say in my opinion...  that it's all in u... u can be who u are without blend in and spoiled... even when u're in the most worse possible environment... 

so this morning after sending my sister to school, my task is to go to the shop and buy some tauge... so at the shop, while waiting to pay i met my senior when i was 12 at my very first boarding school i've been and (guess what?) yes of course i dont even remember her face or name but funny she still remember mine n she's married n she was there with her 2 or 3 year old boy... =_='

"Huh?" (at this point i thought she might mistaken me with my other siblings)
"Nick kan? Yang skolah SM** dulu kan? tapi x lama dalam 3 bulan je kau skolah situ?"
"Aha..." (then i realize she know me but clearly i dont remember her)
"Alah..akak la.. Kak Ida (i almost getting sued for revealing someone's name in my bloggie so this is as far as i can give)... yang satu dorm dulu.. ingat x?"
"Aha... ha..." (actually here i still dont LOL)
"Ape kau buat kat sini ? jauh kau bawak diri... hahha... keje ape skarang?"
"Still belaja... memang rumah kat sini.." (actually i dont really like to continue my conversation coz somehow i hate her tone)
"Belajar lagi? x habis lagi?? memang lembab jugak kau ni kan?? haha... akak dah kawin..ni anak akak.." (sambil pegang anak dia)
"oic... hi... (waving) cute..."
"akak balik rumah mak mertua... akak tak kerja dah... dok umah jaga anak pulak... hahaha! kau dekat poli lagi ke?"
"poli? mana ada..."
"ye la dari dulu kau slow... x heran la kalau kau kat poli lagi... lagipon orang bodoh je tolak tawaran dok skolah S** tu untuk masuk SM*T... hahaha"
"yea hahaha... ye la kot.."
"kau dok lorong mana?"
"ermm blakang skali... lorong 12... "
"jauh tu.. kau naik motor ke?"
"x lah drive.."
"owh.. kau boleh bawak kereta... haha biar akak mengakulah dengan kau.. masa kau pindah dari S** dulu kitorang ingat kau la manusia paling bengap sebab keluar.. tapi for sure la kitorg taw ko guna kabel nak masuk skloah tu sebab bapak ko kan "kaya" tapi akak mengaku la kitorang pernah cakap yang kitorang sure ko boleh berjaya tapi lambat dari manusia lain... kau kan manja.."
"huh?" (time ni kalau saye x pikir saye pose memang dah lama makan kaki minah ni...hihi)
"ye lah... kau tau lah kan... so rupanya kitorang betol... sampai skarang kau kat poli lagi.. ni amik sijil ke dip ni?"
"hah? tengok tu.. ape kau ambik pun x taw... takpe la... nanti abis la tu... poli mana kau sekarang?"
"Sabah, KK"
"jauh tu... hahha... x nangis kau kat sana?"
(senyum) "x... hmm okay lah kak saye balik dulu.. selamat berpuasa...."

so on my driving way home it really hit me" am i too fragile until i kept being bullied over and over or my patience too high that i never get mad at whatever people do to me"... it's not really i'm not pissed anyway but to let myself being treated like that sure never make my life more easier in any angle but somehow i still can stand and prove myself (and let they thinking otherwise) that everyone is wrong...

to be honest my first three month at my secondary school never been my proud moment... yes i've been to one of the most prestige school that any parents will smile when they talk about their kids who study there but somehow i felt like mentally tortured.. yes i make some friends who treated me for who i am (immature 12 year old kids with still have her "imaginary friend" all the way) and some (especially seniors) think i'm a spoiled kid that is never smart and always call home in every 3 hour.... and all i wanna do as a new kid (freshie) is to get a good grades and not causing any trouble...

and i am no rule breaker...

and i still remember that one of my seniors told me that "kau x pernah and x akan layak berjaya dalam hidup" and instead of stand up for myself i politely says goodnight... i mean, she might never meant what she said back then n i know until now up where i'm in the university, people never have confidence in me like i have on myself... i totally can see that and idk why even i constantly prove them wrong they still think that i am not capable on finishing what am i started... and guess what? i always felt like they think i am a fragile kid until now even they see it with their very own eyes that i am more than capable to accomplish my job... hmm but somehow i guess i'm not good to tell them "i told u so"

i am on my way to get
my degree ya!! so what do u
mean that i never gonna
and after three month at that prestigious school, i begged my dad to take me out from there and he actually did coz somehow he realize i cant manage myself (yes i admit i'm not good like i am now back then) and i think parents or anyone always said that u will get smarter if u surrounded by smart people n vice versa n idk i see that a challenge or what but i told them i will never change my attitude (as a rule breaker) even i went to the worse possible school in Malaysia so my dad sent me to one of the worse school in the city where bullies n social problem were like a daily public affair in there (i think my dad kindda trust me in this that i am not easily influenced) and turn out i'm still me in one piece coz there, one of the great value they have is that they dont believe in who's smart n who's dumb... and i like it that way where i am no difference than any other.. and honestly i make a very good friend and we still talk until now... 

i proved everyone that
i can write a play ^^~
yes i'm willing to be thrown into the "dumpster" but seriously people dont realize what they might found in there... i found friendship, loyalty, determination, and more than when i am force to get inside the "gold mine" but i dont find myself any "richer" but it sure thought me to smile even in the very hard situation... my only true friend that i can trust back then is my very own diary which they stole n read n teased me with every words i wrote in there but somehow i kept all my promises in that diary and some of them is to show everyone that i can live on my own (now i am like 3 hour flight away from home), i can be in the university (yes i am now and that seniors if i am not mistaken never continue her study after STPM because she's married- source from my friend), and a few more... but seriously i owe them "big-fat-giant thank you" for making me this "not so fragile" anymore and idk why when i get to TTJ, i really wish i never met anyone like me (fragile and got bullied) for the revenge coz the cycle should end n as i said i am not a rule breaker...

well i know some people put trust in me but never put full confidence and some are so skeptical about what i will be doing but i think my best moment is when i'm at TTJ onward (KMPk n UMS)... maybe not all people see me capable but they see i have strength n somehow i know that it's good to have some people put their faith in you n u will feel like u were there or exist... that's good enough... i never bail from my responsibility ^^~

owh... i felt stupid coz i just remember actually i am off my rail after i quoted Ben earlier... supposedly what i really meant to say is that no matter how far or where u been but as long as ur "outer layer" and ur foundation is solid i guess it will never change u... i take me for an example... i still think will ever get revenge on any of those meanie back then even i live among them (yes not my entire life) but sorry dear... i just cant fit in... so somehow surrounding wasnt really a great influence for people to change (at least me)...

so that's that... papai !!! 

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