okay convo week.. and i am stuck with something i should've done like months ago... yup... FYP!!
well idk why i've become this lazy (not that i want to) but for some reason i feel so not doing it... a lot of ppl say i've change so much (not in a good form tho) n i have to admit i'm heading to my own self-destruction like in a split second away... n i notice that...
my mom told me my neighbor (she study in UMS too) is graduating n tho her parents always say "along xpe... senang je nak lulus"... i doubt that. i doubt myself n most important, i doubt i can keep my promise n stand tall n will look at my parents face with their proud face (u know... my first-born is graduating look)... i doubt everything n tho i am very much want to blame my environment, everyone (or someone) but i have to admit it was me who turn out weak n m losing my focus... gosh this time i really gonna weeping on the floor
well to be honest i am trying hard to get myself together.. i notice i am not what or who i'm used to be... i used to finished my assignment before the deadline, i used to have like muses living inside of me, i used to worked under almost 2012 tragedy in a minutes away but still can make it, i'm used to work under very hard pressure tho i am like super sick and most importantly i still can maintain everything in order... i still have my self control... but that was like Han's Emperor time story... now? i lost myself like big time
idk why i keep doing this tho actually i realize i am almost (i mean it) fail myself... not that loser is my ultimate ambition tho but (here come the embarrassing part) i have no strength... i lost my will and damn right i couldnt find it... to make a new self-will is like gonna take whollata-time.. it takes 21 years to build them and less than 21 second to burn them all down... well i know how major destruction works... i'm onto that research now so yea i can relate...
if i can compare my life with others, i think maybe i am no match for anybody... i build everything everything with my on hands... my parents just a catalyst that accelerate me n i done almost everything without cheating (i'd lie if i say never but slightly yea) n i done it by my own... funny story actually, few days ago after Political class i went to cafe. find an empty spot, place my bags, go buy some food n sit there back. all by myself (i retake the paper so no one in my batch going to the class) and one of the juniors at the political class came and sit at the table... and she said "i dont want to make u look like a friendless loser" n i was like... if i wait for my friend i cant satisfy my hunger dear... so i rather look like friendless loser rather than being hungry coz that feeling cannot be shared with other... but to think about that most of my time when i am strong as me is when i am all by myself... not that i say my friends weaken me but (duh this is pathetic but i'm sorry my friend) i am better off without anybody... but hey i am not living at antartika or possibly purgatory so i cannot be selfish to create a world of only me... yea i know that in fact my last 21 years old also surrounded by people that shape me as me so SHIT idk what went wrong!!
i hope i can make everything in time... i hope i can be me again... i hope i can grab everything back while it's not too late... i hope i can lift all this rocks off of my shoulder n move on to a better place... ya ALLAH i need ur guidance here...
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